I would never have dreamed of saying that my family life growing up was anything other than perfect but the reality was it was chaotic and pretty miserable, my dad was an alcoholic, highly unpredictable, depressive and quick to anger. My mum was emotionally absent and I think we disliked each other from the day I was born, in all honesty I felt like the adult in the family from an early age. I have an older sister & 2 little brothers and when I look back we really stuck together in our attempt to muddle through life as best we could.
I grew up in a small village where very little went on to entertain young people, the only activities on offer were through the local baptist church, so my primary years gave me time to explore my faith and I built some strong foundations at that time, church also gave me a sense of peace that I did not experience anywhere else and I would have described myself as a Christian. However any faith and commitment I had quickly faded when I wanted to join the cool kids, finding other friends and activities to fill my time, these were not good things.
By the age of 9 I had started self harming and began my battle with suicidal thoughts, by the age of 11 I was smoking, by 13 I was drinking and experimenting with cannabis, by 15 I was going out clubbing and drinking heavily and by 17 I was drinking daily and wanted the world to swallow me up, I wanted my life to end.
My mum left my dad, my brothers and I shortly after I turned 18 and 9 months later my dad committed suicide. Alone, guilt ridden and in shame I used all the coping strategies I had mastered throughout my life to control the despair. One of my more positive coping strategies was perfectionism and hard work, this meant that despite my world falling apart I passed my a levels and headed off to uni.
Years of depression followed but I masked it well, trying my hardest to block out my emotions and get on with living but I knew it was an existence rather than a life.
In 2006 I broke, emotionally and spiritually dead I did everything I could to attach physical pain to what was happening inside of my head. My behaviours became obsessive and ritualistic. I was desperately trying to die without the word 'suicide' being attached. I stopped eating; thinking I could disappear, I drank excessively; hoping that my liver would fail, I over medicated, hoping that it would damage me and I cut myself frantically as a way of releasing whatever was inside of me. I started praying to a God that I no longer believed in, asking him to stop punishing me and to let me die.
In 2008 my very best friend in the world died, there was me praying every night for God to take me as I slept, and my friends heart stopped in the middle of the night and she was gone instead. If there was a God, he didn't love me, in fact I thought he must have hated me. Amanda was the one person I had left, the only person who had stuck with me and I was alone and lost.
The thing with being lost is someone often comes along to find you, someone very special found me and I can honestly say that I owe my life to her today, that person held my hope when I couldn't hold it myself, gave me purpose when I really didn't want one and believed in me when no one else did. And she was the one who sowed the seeds of God back into my life, all of this impacted me in a way that I can not explain.
At the end of 2009 I decided that I had to change my life and in March 2010 I entered a treatment centre, 2 days after getting there I asked if I could see the local vicar and they arranged for him to come and see me, we prayed together for healing. A week later, I was sat on my own and I got down on my knees and prayed. I asked for forgiveness, for turning my back and for everything else that I had done wrong. I surrendered my life to God and I assured him that he was in control, I knew that God knew what a mess I had made of my life but I told him anyway and I asked him to release me from the pain I was in. I prayed this day after day and in time the obsessions began to lift and I stopped wanting to hurt myself. 8 weeks later I was able to say 'I love myself' for the first time ever in my life.
The Lord has done amazing things in my life and opened my eyes to a new way of seeing, I have restored my relationships with my family, I have made some brilliant friends, I am loving life and always listening to what God is telling me, and eager to share the good news.
I have been sent trials and been in difficult situations, I have been hurt and I have still at times felt like I was falling apart, but God has always been there, always stood tall as my tower of strength, always surrounded me in comfort and has always loved me whatever.
Polly